I’m God’s favorite

Within the last week my world got flipped upside down. I had to lay down the man of my dreams at the foot of the cross whom I wholeheartedly loved. And of course, like your typical depressing break-up story, all my plans for the future melted right in front of my eyes and there was nothing I could do about it. It’s funny to me how I believed that I had everything I ever wanted. I would even venture to say that I thought I had everything I needed. I thought to myself “thanks God, I’m all capped out on your goodness so I am good to go.” I had a boyfriend who worshipped the ground that I walk on, who treated me like a Queen, and loved me the way that Christ loves the Church. What more could a girl possibly ask for? Well, that’s thing- I didn’t even know that God wanted not only to fulfill my happiness but He wants to give me that happiness abundantly. My little mind and heart had everything I wanted and through this heartbreak, my heart was expanded and stretched out for an even bigger capacity for love. God keeps on giving me more and more and more because I followed Him all the way to the cross and laid down not only my life but  the life of this amazing man that was mine only for a short time. The moment I placed him into the Lord’s hands and released my grip from this relationship I received the world. I know a lot of girls have probably heard this before: “I would take a bullet for you”, “you are the only girl I see”, “ you deserve the world”. I’ve at least heard these things from previous boyfriends which is good! But I just recently heard them from the love of my life- my sweet sweet Jesus. In Adoration, I was so overwhelmed by the grace flowing in my veins and the fact that God knows me so well and He knows my happiness better than I do. As I looked up at the Eucharist, I realized He simply wants to give me everything; I am the only girl he sees; he would take a bullet for me. He has taken a bullet for me! He literally laid down his life and loved me to the end and would do it again if that meant He got my attention. He jumps up and down every time I mention His name. His heart flutters a little bit when I step into adoration. He spoils me and absolutely adores me! I feel like Daddy’s little girl and who knew it would take something so painful to get here. That is the paradox of this Jesus I love so much.” To get to some of the most beautiful flowers you have to shed blood to hold them.” I am reaching towards this abundant garden of roses he is showering down on me even though I have to reach through the thorns to hold them.

My Cup Overflows -Psalms 23:5

Anxiety

I was inspired today to be vulnerable in sharing about one of the hardest, most unrelenting struggles in my life. Anxiety.

I have been struggling with clinical anxiety since I was a little girl, though it has been manifesting itself in different ways my whole life. When my Dad was deployed in Iraq, everyday around sunset I would get a huge knot in my stomach and back pain under my right shoulder-blade. Weird right? It would eventually go away but there was never a rhyme or reason for this feeling to rear it’s ugly head but like clockwork, it came. I was just a little girl so I ran into my mother’s arms and all I could do was wait it out.

Middle school is when my anxiety collaborated with all the other raging hormones and irrational feelings I was encountering as a drama-filled teenager. My anxiety disguised itself in this turmoil of all my other emotional “emergencies” I was facing only to make things worse.

High School is when my anxiety had finally invested itself as a part of my everyday life, so much so that I thought the whole world felt as I did. I thought everyone must feel this miserable all the time. I settled and submitted to my anxiety by telling myself  “this must just be my life from now on”or that “this is as good as it is going to get.” It felt as though a huge knot in my stomach was twisting up tighter and tighter. It felt like the world was falling apart around me. It felt like I was paralyzed and suffocated from doing things normal teenagers would do like study, hang out with friends, get a job etc. I was labeled as lazy (which isn’t that much of an exaggeration because let’s face it, lazy days and Netflix are my jam). I convinced myself that not wanting to leave the house and isolating myself was because I was not motivated enough. I felt like the only thing I could do was to force myself through the day. I felt exhausted, foggy, devastated, alone etc. I would bury myself in Keeping up with the Kardashians and other ridiculous TV shows as an escape from my own life. I loved checking out.

My anxiety affects every part of my life. Every month or so I will endure these episodes where I can’t leave my house, tears are welling up in my eyes at all hours of the day, I can’t focus, and everything feels like it’s falling apart. It is a constant pain that feels like it will never end. Sometimes I can’t make it to class or work without breaking down and crying in my car on the way there. I isolate myself from my friends and I have to force myself to get out of the house. It’s hard to talk about it to others when there isn’t an underlying issue other than I just feel like I am going crazy. It is one of the Devil’s most intricate tricks, making me feel like everything is wrong in my life when nothing is wrong. He loves to lie.

When my anxiety is at it’s worse, I feel as though I am dying a little on the inside. I know that’s a stretch, but to feel as though there is a huge void in my heart when everything is perfect from the outside looking in, is terrifying. I feel completely out of control of my emotions. And the most prominent of all these torturous waves of emotion was and is to this day hopelessness. HOPELESSNESS.

I am now halfway through my college career and have taken big, courageous steps in this battle. Lately though, I have come to realize that I am not alone in this. What I am going through is not God’s desire for me, it is not the way God created me to feel. It is a disease and it is brutal!

This past semester I’ve recognized that this is not how God wants me to live my life. I came across one of the most well-known bible verses out there:

“My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” -2 Corinthians 12:9

We all know this bible verse, don’t we? It sounds so poetic and pretty when we read over it but let’s face it, when we are truly suffering, grieving, hurting and tormented, this verse can be grazed over with a lack of confidence. When (excuse my language) shit hits the fan, the first thing we throw out the window is trust. There is nothing pretty and poetic about heartache, anxiety, grief, you name it. I finally read a few verses before this one and I encountered humanity on a whole other level. Peter embraced his humanity in the most real and authentic way he could based on his circumstances. Satan had placed a “thorn” in his flesh to torment him and prevent him from being “exalted.” Peter then prayed to the Lord and asked him not just once, not just twice, but THREE times to take away his pain. Isn’t this what we all do? Peter didn’t go into his prayer in full confidence and joy of his despair. He pleaded with the Lord and begged like a child over and over again for God to deliver him. The Lord’s response was simple: my grace is more than enough for you and my power is made perfect in your weakness. Peter’s response was even more powerful:

“Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong.”-2 Corinthians 12:10-11

Peter’s desire for the power of Christ far surpassed anything the Devil could throw at him! Our inflictions do not go in vain because of the power and victory of the cross. Praise God!

I am not saying it is easy to convince myself of these truths in the middle of heartache, but I pray that the confidence Peter had in our Lord can settle in my bones and strengthen me.