FORGIVENESS: my rape story

Thank you Rape.

Thank you Rape, for revealing to me my own strength. Thank you Rape, for introducing this warrior to the world whom I didn’t know existed before you. Thank you Rape, for creating this confident, independent, brave advocate against you. You should be so afraid Rape, because the little girl you thought you silenced has grown into a woman louder than you will ever be. I feel bad for you Rape, because you will only ever be capable of taking what isn’t yours to take. You will never be able to freely give or receive true, authentic love. YOU WILL NEVER KNOW WHAT THAT IS. You only know how to steal, kill, and destroy and YOU DID for a while there… you did steal my innocence, you did kill my happiness, you did destroy me. But wherever there is scorched land, there is new life ready to rise up from the ashes. No really Rape. Can you smell the flowers blooming from the ground you thought you sterilized from beauty and strength? Did you expect, Rape, for me to stay down and hidden forever? Did you see me coming? Did you think I was yours to keep? What a sad and miserable existence you are Rape. You are the complete absence of freedom. And because you will never know freedom Rape, I pity you more than anything. I pity that you had to latch onto him. You fed on his insecurity and arrogance and you convinced him to sip on the beauty, strength, truth and goodness in me until I was dried out. I will give you this Rape, you are patient and meticulous. You are very strategic Rape. You lured me in. You didn’t take everything at once. Oh no you didn’t… You took my heart way before you took my body. You breathed in the smoke from the light you blew out and then you exchanged all my color for grey. I thought I was lost, but I wasn’t lost because you were the one keeping me. You were the one holding me hostage. This whole time, you were the one forcing me to stay in the mud you pushed me in when I was 15. I was never lost, but you thought I was yours Rape. You thought I was yours Evil One. You thought I was yours Father of lies. I never belonged to you. I have always belonged to a Savior much brighter, louder, and stronger than you Rape. I have always belonged to myself and I decide who changes me from now on. And I have always belonged in the sweet, gentle, protective arms of my future husband. And he will be the complete opposite of you Rape. He will not have to rob me because I will simply give myself to him. By now Rape, I hope you see that you are not victorious. You didn’t win. Your glory burns out quickly, but the glory of my Lord burns forever. And there are many other voices rising up and waging against you Rape. Men and women joining together with me to silence you. You are finished. (John 19:30)

 

Rape. It’s like an onion.

February 14, 2011 should’ve been a day full of teddy bears and chocolate. Instead it was a day the little girl inside me lost her innocence.

My sophomore year of High School was a big year for me. I found myself getting into a lot of trouble so my Dad forced me to go to a Steubenville Conference in Denver which was just the catalyst I needed in my faith. An uncontrollable fire in my soul was fanned into a flame that weekend. I no longer snuck out on the weekends, instead I was going to bible studies and youth group which I never thought in a million years I would be going to. I met this guy at a fall retreat that year who I thought I was head-over-heels in love with. He knew the heart strings to pull and when to pull them. He also knew my weaknesses which he preyed on tearing me down piece by piece. I had completely lost myself throughout this relationship. I used to be this strong, independent, girl who saw the world in color. He made me feel like I was nothing and that the only remedy to my worthlessness was his attention. I became isolated, depressed and most of all weak. I had no idea who I was anymore and my lifeline was completely attached to him. I believed that I was only pretty wearing jeans and make up. That I only mattered because I was with him. That I was nothing before he came into my life. This false representation of love was really an abusive cycle of tearing me down and then telling me what I so longed to hear. It was an intense and emotional addiction for his approval; not an authentic, self-sacrificing love that I was really in search for. After months of physical, verbal, emotional, sexual abuse I took the little strength I had left in me and broke it off with him. All of this lead to Valentines day 2011 where he finally took the last piece of me, scorched every last bit of hope in my heart, and left me hopeless, abandoned, dead inside. Any innocence, purity, happiness I had left was robbed. He left a trail of destruction and brokenness leaving me to clean up the mess while he went on his merry way and I was forever changed.

Fast forward a few years of suppressing and denying the violence that occurred, I finally opened up to someone. I ran out of band aids to throw over this huge, open wound in my heart. I was overcome with tears and pain. I felt dirty, embarrassed, ashamed, exposed, haunted so much so I was on the brink of taking my own life.

There were so many lies the Devil pounded into my heart. The obvious ones like: it was all your fault, you could’ve done something more to stop it, you asked for it. And then the ones he locked  away to fester overtime like: God is malicious, he doesn’t want your happiness he wants your despair. All men are evil. Trust no one. You are defenseless and unprotected in this world so build your walls back up. Vulnerability is for the weak. And my personal favorite: what do you have to offer now?

Rape. It’s like an onion because the wounds do bury themselves layer by layer. But you know what else is like an onion? Healing. Layer by layer, piece by piece the Lord put me back together again. Made new and holy. The Lord combated every lie with the truth of who I am and the truth of who He is. That I am not defenseless because he is my Defender. That I am protected because he is my fortress. When the Devil told me that all I will ever know is darkness, Jesus says to me ‘I am light’. When I was convinced that I am dirty my Father tells me that my guilt and shame is washed away and that I am made as white as snow. When the Devil told me that I am thrown away Jesus screamed down from the cross ‘I want you. I thirst for you. I long for you.’

I could go on and on but for now I will stop there. If there is one lost and lonely girl out there who can relate to this in anyway, know that you are not alone. I am holding the hand of the little girl lost inside you and know that there is hope. This too shall pass.