The intensity of intimacy

I have so much to say regarding the topic of chastity, but right now I want to just scratch the surface. Just recently, I was fortunate enough to relearn a very hard lesson on the importance of saving ourselves for marriage.

I am a firm believer that we are never “too far gone” from Jesus or that we are denied the fullness of redemption if we have fallen short when it comes to chastity. I am also convinced that even if we abuse our freedom and sexuality that it is nothing that can’t be returned to us and made new. To say that there is a point of no return from God’s grace and that we are only available to God’s mercy and redemption if we don’t cross this certain line is failing to trust in the victory of the cross. How big and how great and how merciful is our God! He is way bigger than sex, everybody. To say we are denied from His mercy because of our deepest darkest sins, secrets, and screw-ups is saying that God is limited in His love and power. It is saying that what He did on the cross was limited to only petty mistakes. He is not limited- He is infinite and abundant. Let us be convinced of this.

With that being said, the Devil knows our weaknesses and waits like a “prowling lion” for us to let our guards down just for a second to snatch us. I prided myself on overcoming my past mistakes and distancing myself from the party scene. I prided myself on coming this far in my faith. I thought to myself “I can never see myself living that life again”. Well, if we don’t stay on guard and alert of the schemes and lies of the Evil one, he loves to repeat the past. He can’t come up with anything new! The only one capable of making us a “new creation” is Jesus. All the Devil can do is fill us with fear of the future or keep us stuck in our past. And stuck in my past is exactly where he placed me.

When I was at my most vulnerable and empty, I threw myself into the arms of another man when I should have thrown myself into the arms of Jesus. I know the pain of being used and I know that Jesus loves me—so why would I do this again?! I had to ask myself this question a million times and I guess the only answer I could come up with is this: my knowledge of the truth didn’t resolve this longing in my heart right away. Knowing and holding onto hope did not fulfill my emotional void immediately and I was seeking release and comfort in the midst of my pain. After I ended my relationship with a man I loved very much there was a distinct emptiness within me that stung every second of everyday. So what do I do? I tried to fill it with immediate pleasures instead of waiting on the Lord to empty me fully of this world only to abundantly fill me again with Him in due time.

I learned a few things through repeating my mistakes. One being that there are emotional, physical, spiritual, and mental consequences when we are intimate with others. Those consequences were designed not to be bad, but good! But we cannot avoid these consequences, especially when they involve falling into sin. These consequences are intense. They are personal, raw, and all-encompassing. There is a reason that Solomon tells us “not to stir up love before it pleases” not once but TWICE in Song of Songs. Solomon is trying to warn us that the intensity of intimacy will find us whether we abuse this gift of sexual intimacy or embrace it how it was originally designed with all it’s dignity and freedom.

I attempted to shut off my emotions and numb myself not only the pain of this world but to true, sacrificial love as well. One of my dear friends told me that it is more rewarding to be vulnerable than to be disconnected, and she was right. 1 Peter 4:8 says to love others “deeply” and intensely because “love covers a multitude of sins.” That right there sums up everything I have learned. There is a huge reward in all of this and that is the intense love of Jesus. His love is as stern as death and unquenchable (Song of Songs 8).

So the final lesson I learned and what I encourage you to do: embrace loneliness, embrace suffering, embrace emptiness, embrace weakness, and most of all, embrace intimacy with the Lord. Feel the emotions you feel. Depend on Jesus EVERY SECOND of the day. I will no longer run away from my pain or try to fill my void with anything but Jesus. I will EMBRACE. And I will wait on Him. When I am enduring suffering I am united to the cross so close to Jesus “I can almost touch him” and that my dear sisters is when we are the most fully alive.